On Motherhood

On motherhood

Motherhood is a “guilt-edged insecurity”, I once read in a parenting book. I laughed at the witty play of words then; now a wry smile spreads across my face when I recall that statement. I have spent yet another weekend on the guilt-uncertainty rollercoaster that is motherhood; triggered by an offhand comment made in a conversation with a friend and egged on by an article entitled“Scoop: Milk or News?” in the local newspapers. My son was born nearly two years ago; two years in which I was certain I would have made headway with the “working mum or at-home mum” conundrum. Well, judging from the numerous mental/emotional bruises I am nursing from the latest ride on the now familiar rollercoaster, it would appear I have not!

I just returned to work from a much-awaited week off with my son (and oh! my husband). As I was describing the wonderful mother-child bonding that occurred during the week to a friend, I let it slip that I actually found the numerous feeding sessions, diaper changes, unending viewings of the Bob the Builder cassette and repeated pleas for hide-and seek, where all the hiding and the seeking was conducted behind one small sofa,- all very boring. Gasp! I actually said that. Boring. The in-built “inadequate-mother-berater” immediately sprung into action “ ”how could you say that?’, I asked myself over and over. It did not help that the friend I was talking to had a wife who had raised three kids staying at home; wonderfully and without a hint of such negative sentiments, I was sure! I felt like the little boy in The Emperor’s New Clothes, relieved at having blurted out the truth and the stunned audience, shocked at the audacity of it, all at once.

My statement had forced me to acknowledge that despite my repeated promises to myself that I will quit my job after the current batch of loans are cleared, somewhere deep within myself I have actually chosen to be a “working mum”. Although, through my statement I have assigned a “lower” value to the task of a full-time mum; I would like to clarify that I do not judge full time mums as being lower in the intellectual ladder. I think it is a fact that raising toddlers full time is mind-numbing business and I laud the mothers who have the courage and conviction to make the choice to stay at home with their kids. But this weekend’s soul-searching has finally convinced me that it is indeed a choice and I have made one. It has finally dawned upon me that I enjoy going out to work. I enjoy meeting the people I do and the experiences I have at work provide me with numerous opportunities to learn and grow, both personally and professionally. And this growth is what I seek intensely in life.

Maybe it is a selfish pursuit; but does parenting require you to totally sacrifice yourself?. In my desire to seek an answer to this perennial question I borrowed a book which had the following “advice” : “Have a life apart from your kids ” if you give yourself completely, they have less”. Again, maybe I am grasping at straws to justify my decision. But this weekend, I also came to the conclusion that I had dreams, hopes and aspirations for myself since my own childhood which were quite unrelated to being a mother. Devesh’s toothy smile, his baby words, his incessant babble and his very existence have made some dreams pale into insignificance. I wanted more than anything to work in a consulting firm. Now, though intellectually I would like to pursue that dream, the amount of travel one would require (which was a very big part of the lure of the profession) has made me reconsider. Having a child is a wonderful experience that changes your perspective of things. But not all my dreams and aspirations have evaporated. I feel that only if I gave them a chance, would I be able to encourage my children, male or female, to aspire, to seek and to soar. It is true that navigating the lanes of the corporate world is not the only means to do this, but this is the path that I most enjoy now while I look for alternatives where I can expand my role as mother (and Oh! there are the mortgages, as my husband never fails to remind me)

In the meantime, I will try and abide by a couple “rules” to make sure I do not lose sight of what is important ultimately — cherishing Devesh’s all-too-fleeting childhood. Firstly, I will try and not fall into the trap of convincing myself that it is for him that I am working. I appreciate that all the swanky toys in the world cannot make up for my love and attention. I try ,therefore, to be back home in time to feed him dinner. However, exhausted I am, I repeat his favourite songs as many times as he commands that I do, dream up new antics and sounds to accompany his favourite Richard Scarry tape and revel in the look of sheer joy in his eyes as he enjoys the attention that he receives. Secondly, I will try as far as possible not to callously say later or tomorrow to any request. I realise as he grows older there will be more such requests, where tomorrow maybe the tempting answer. I hope I will then have the strength then to abide by this rule. Thirdly, I will try not to be too busy to stop and listen to see if I need to re-evaluate my decision. That would mean more rollercoaster rides for me, but I would not want to be lulled into complacency. Rob Parsons, in his book “The Sixty Minute Mother” says “ whatever you decide, don’t be plagued by what others think. Do what you think is right for you and your family. Whatever the decision, do not be too tired to laugh. ” With that as my motto, I will now continue my activity for the day “ ”bleating like a sheep'.