One Last Goodbye

One Last Goodbye

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Posted by arbaazkhanna on January 29, 2003 (Wednesday)

MY FINAL SEARCH FOR MY MOON BEFORE I GIVE UP!!!

Yuka,my princess,this is my last attempt to get in touch with you.i am married now.i have stopped thinking about you like you wanted me to.i have stopped missing you and loving you.i have stopped looking at the moon, but i just dont seem to be able to stop this question that arises in my head.

WHY?

im no writer...never ever dreamt that i would write.i was chatting with a friend yesterday and got a little nostalic about this girl i once used to date,i once believed i was in love. more than a story,this would be a diary entry.i dont wish to insult the writer clan by calling this a piece of writing.i am an escapist for running away from truth,for hiding behind everyday's busy life,for burying my past.this is a desperate atempt for a closure.

i shall not write chronologically as i have a bad memory but i remember meeting her when i was 19.i dont wish to diguise my name.i am arbaaz khanna from new jersey.have lived here all my life.my dad struggled to make me an indian but gave up afteri showed no improvement in my punjabi.im not even a true muslim,much to his disgust and disappointment.to save himself any further embaressment he tried not to make indians and muslims out of my two younger brothers.

i disguise her name,just in case she is married.i used to call her yuka.so ill refer to her as that.she came to the states to do her bachelor's.she hailed from the city of bombay,a city i visited much later when i was 23 years old.a time when i scanned every face in the crowd desperately searching for her.

i met her at the orientation party,the first time.she seemed lost yet so proud to admit that she was.later i found out that she did the same courses as me.she told me later that she hated me,cos she thought i was arrogant.like any 19 year old,i was into lifting weights and basketball.

so i was quite popular with most people around me.somehow fame was associated with arrogance.yuka used to hang around with a bunch of indian students.i wasn't accepted as one among them cos i was for all practical purposes an american.then i tried talking in hindi and about indian food and slowly they saw that i was more than just another popular kid.i was accepted by all but yuka.she was still cold towards me.i wasn't too interested in this ice maiden myself.but it confused me to no limit when she was so wonderful with everyone but me.

then one night at a party i heard her talk to her dad on the phone.she sounded like a child,like someone who wanted to be taken care of.then when she turned around and looked at me,she got back her annoying composure all over again,and hurriedly covered the little child in her.i think it was then that i fell in love with her.

after that incident,i started paying more attention to her cos now i know that she has a heart.a heart that im so gonna fill with love and joy.so everytime i spoke to her,i tried to say something nice so that her attitude towards me would change.but she never gave me a chance and i thought,"no more gentleman!!!"

the next day i stole her purse and offered to help her look for it.after 1 hour of searching,we "found it".so then i got my chance and took her for a drink and made her laugh the whole night.when it was time for me to leave,i told her the truth about her wallet.

though we both knew we were in love we also knew that we coudn't marry cos she was from a different religon.she was the practical one among us and kept telling me that the longer we'd take to break up the deeper would be the pain.we tried going seperate ways but never lasted cos id always go back to her making her weak too.she sometimes locked herself up in her room and id climb up her window.the sight of me clinging to her window sill like a monkey would terrify her and she'd give in.cos i kept coming back to her,she quit the course and went back to india.she always said that everytime i miss her i should look up at the moon and she would too and that we both would be looking at the same moon.what pains me the most was that we didnt have a proper goodbye.one day when i went to her room,she was gone.

she seemed uneasy for the previous 1 week,which now i can understand why.she wasalways ready for an arguement,but the last few days,she just wouldn't be provoked.no matter how much i annoyed her she'd smile and hug me.at that time,the proud teenager that i was,i thought i was irresistable to her.now when i think of the silent battle she was fighting,i just wish i was more grown up then than i was.

she left me....without a goodbye...without a clue...

yes,i did learn to move on.but i tried everything to track her down before i gave up.then years later when i went to bombay on a business trip,i looked at everything around me and felt like i was there before cos she told me so much about this city that i saw bombay through her eyes.i visited the places she mentioned...i ate pav bhaji on chowpati beach..i travelled by the local train..i ate gola on juhu beach...i went to bandstand...i even watched an indian movie at the theatres.i felt she was with me all the while,showing me around like she would if we were married and were visiting india.

im married now and i try not to look at the moon,cos the moon means Yuka to me and nothing more.

*********************************************************************** this one is for you tehzeeb,thank you for making me come out of hiding.thank you for making mefeel 19 again.thank you for showing me that i have time to think about my past. ***********************************************************************

Yuka,please, if you read this, mail me at arbaazkhanna@yahoo.com.like i said im not asking you back.i just want to say goodbye so that when i have kids i can show them the moon without thinking about you.and yes,you win,i AM taking care of dad's business these days and not playing basketball anymore.i wish you could see me now.i look so different from then.i am grown up.im sure you'd be proud of me.i dont wear silly caps and jeans anymore.but yuka,i still cant speak punjabi. ***********************************************************************