The Nation's Knee

Posted by Ajoy Bagchi on Monday September 18, @12:11PM

Presently, the prime preoccupation of the National Democratic Alliance government is whether the replaced knee should be displayed in the National Museum.

It is not everyday that the PM of the largest democracy gets a national treasure like his left knee replaced.

Dear _________,

Thanks for the load of interesting newsitems on Vajpayee's US yatra that you sent. I shall read them with care.

Here the headlines are being hogged by Chittaranjan Ranawat, formerly of Madhya Pradesh and now of the Lennox Hospital, New York and is the foremost knee joint replacement specialist in the world. Prime Minister Vajpayee's knee problem was on the front page of practically every newspaper. Chandan Mitra, Editor, Pioneer proposes to feature a 4-colour close-up of PM's left knee on the front page of the newspaper. Andhra CEO, Chandrababu Naidu has trumped Chandan Mitra by setting up a megaportal on the Internet providing irrelevant details of all the available knees, past and present, including that of NTR. AIADMK's Puratchi Talaivi, Jayalalitha Jayaram has criticised TDP supremo for ignoring the well-shaped knee of MGR. Leader of Opposition in the Lok Sabha, Sonia Gandhi has given notice for a half-an-hour talk in the Lok Sabha on the knee replacement procedure by Congress MP and Spokesperson, Ajit Jogi.

The decision that Ranawat will be replace it and that too in India has been received with a nation-wide collective sigh of relief. But the speculation is mounting about the hospital where it will be done. There are dark hints that the Swadeshi Jagaran Manch guerillas have sabotaged the chances of Apollo Hospital by getting it indicted for misdiagnosing Kumaramangalam's leukemia. A do-or-die tussle has started between Safdarjang Hospital and All India Institute for the honour.

Presently, the prime preoccupation of the National Democratic Alliance government is whether the replaced knee should be displayed in the National Museum. It is not everyday that the PM of the largest democracy gets a national treasure like his left knee replaced. There is a strong lobby led by Murli Manohar Joshi in favour of preserving it for the posterity in the National Museum. Newly elected BJP Vice President, Madam Lal Khurana wants it to be mounted on a pedestal under the Canopy opposite India Gate so that every Republic Day wreaths could be laid at it along with the Amar Jawan Jyoti.

Cabinet Committee on Orthopaedics met in an emergency meeting and set up a Committee of Secretaries to find a precedent for the National Museum and the Canopy proposals. As no previous Prime Minister, while in office, had his or her knee replaced, the Committee has decided to visit Dubai, Geneva, Paris, Berlin, London, Singapore, Bangkok and Hong Kong to find out the practice in those countries. Foreign Minister Jaswant Singh is on Track Two trying to persuade either Clinton or Madeline Albright to go in for knee replacement so that Washington could set a precedent. Once he succeeds, the Committee of Secretaries will also visit Washington DC to study the replaced American knee. Harkishan Singh Surjeet has sharply reacted to the knee replacement move as he thinks that once the painful knee is replaced the PM will be painlessly on his knees before the running dogs of imperialism.

General Parvez Musharruf said, in an interview to New York Times, that Pakistan is one-up on India because while Vajpayee is replacing only his knee he has successfully replaced the entire government. Syed Salahuddin, Ameer of Hizb-ul-Mujahedeen sees a dark plot in this knee replacement business by the leader of the infidels as it would make him more mobile and he may again try to cross the border to get into Lahore. He has threatened that any such attempt will be stoutly resisted by the Fidayeen groups of HuM who have been lately raiding with considerable success the Army camps in Kashmir.

Jiang Zemin, in a statement from Beijing, has urged that, instead of taking unilateral decision to change the status quo in the subcontinent including replacement of sundry knees, India should amicably sort out the knee problem through dialogue with Pakistan and Kashmiri people. In a friendly gesture, he has offered a Chinese porcelain knee to Prime Minister Vajpayee for replacement. Foreign Office's China Desk is trying to book a trunk call to Lennox Hospital in New York to get Dr Ranawat's view about the Chinese offer. But they are yet to get through as the telephone cable feeding South Block was dug up and stolen last week to the accompaniment of sonorous snores from the Police Control Room patrol vehicle parked nearby. Finance Minister Yashwant Sinha has lauded the Chinese offer as it would stem the drain on the Consolidated Fund of India and control the fiscal deficit.

Ram Bilas Paswan, Communication Minister, has offered a terra cotta knee joint made by the underemployed Telecomm employees of his constituency, Hajipur in Bihar. West Bengal Chief Minister, Jyoti Basu has deferred his retirement pending the knee replacement operation. The whispers in Alimuddin Street is that he is girding up his "koncha" to take over as PM if the eventuality arises. His deputy, Buddhadeb Bhattacharya was last seen tearing his hair in handfuls as he was on the verge of moving into the prime room in the Writers Building but is now stymied. Newly elected BJP chief, Bangaru Laxman has offered his right knee for replacing PM's left knee. Newspaper offices and Internet sites are flooded by offers of knees from the people including Veerappan.

This is the latest round-up on the national knee problem. Further updates will issue as and when developments take place. Watch this space.

Ajoy