The uglier reflection

Posted by Sylvia on Sunday January 14, @02:32AM

I want to live my life as I please,and that doesn't take much but to shut off from the world.But when I try,my own self comes in between.....

The small seed of crystallization that led to the building of all these disturbing thoughts-thougts tha I do not want.Thoughts that I would have been happy without.Thoughts that are driving me crazy with a fury so blind.And thoughts that are here,and taxing the tranquillity of my mind. I can say I was in a sufficiently contended phase.Happy,though not perfectly blissful or gratified.But then,I suppose no mortal can achieve that. Yet a workable peace and calm. And lo.Someone decides that I have wore that careless smile and the dreamy look for too long. It's time to make me conversant with the true obverse. The grimy,ugly face of the reality.And even as I see him carrying out his mission, I can plainly look at the wave of satisfaction passing on his face,beneath that thin mask of concern he is wearing.The mask is so transparent;it makes me sick. And nor for a moment can I attribute this gratification to doing the honors of forewarning me of a doom I was heading for. It's probably the joy of a sadist in watching my smile being reinstated with a squirm.

For squirm I do.Coz' the reality has been exposed in front of me.And I don't like it.The reality of my helplessness. The reality that stops me from shouting out at this friend of mine,and tell him to get lost,or show him the mirror,with the reflection of his unmasked nudity. The realiy that forces me to instead play the game,and that too his way.For even in this moment of my utter dislike for this friend,and my insane desire to throw him out,I am quite aware of the other side of me that'll need him, that needs all the people who are least concerned with my well being,that needs the crowd,that needs the recognition. And in this moment,I hate with all my intensity,not this person whose words have become the seed for my thoughts to build around,but the capricious me that doesn't know whether it needs freedom and independence or company and social recognition,and switches on and off from to the other.

I look at the mirror and find it even more unbearable to look at the helpless picture. Probably showing it to the other guy wouldn't have hurt him that much...

Cheers my friend.Your mission is accomplished. I can see the reality,and it is uglier than what you wanted me to know.