Is it worth it

Pure unadulterated feelings - other side of the coin to "Happiness..where does it come from" posted by Myfeelings on 13th August 2001 - how tables turn !!!!

I had been brought up to take care of myself. I was independent, I was proud.I could handle anything on my own - so i thought. I thought happiness comes only from within. But I was not happy. I was lonely. I wanted someone to know me, understand me. I was searching for my soulmate - the one person who "fills your heart with joy". I did not know what "love" was but i wanted to learn what it was - from her. One fine day, I found her.

She had been brought up in a loving atmosphere. Everybody in her family adored her. She was always happy - because people around her always cared for her. They gave her love, care, warmth. She was bountiful of love and affection and everyone who met her got a part of it. And so it was for me. Maybe I was a bit luckier than the rest because she actually "loved" me.

Initially, I was too hard for her. But she persisted. Bit by bit, she kept trying and coming closer to me. Irrespective of all the hurt and pain she faced - she did not let go. I was a stone, but maybe somewhere I was also human. And she managed to find the door to my humanity and then, she flung it open.

She showed me a whole new world- where happiness came from sharing and caring. I, the untamed beast, was domesticated. She broke down my walls that had kept me isolated all my life. She showed me dreams- wonderful dreams of love and togetherness- "forever". And I just let myself flow with her current - trusting her every word, every action. She was afterall, a part of me. We had suddenly become one from two - and I loved the feeling.

In love, I had given up all my independence, my pride, my prinicples and everything I ever cared about.However, for the first time in my life, I was happy. Even if there were tears and pain, I was still happy. I was happy that she was there with me. I was happy that we shared our lives.

Yet I forgot that I was not the only one with whom she shared her life. I was just one of the many whom she let have a part of her warmth and affection. Even if it was love, it was not strong enough to keep her with me and let go of all the bonds that were already in place. She had been taught to keep people around her happy, even if it was at the cost of her own self. She could not bear to to do anything against anybody who had been a a part of her life. And it was not easy for her to let "love" replace "attachments". She had never hurt anybody except herself and now since I was a part of her, she hurt "us" rather than hurting anybody else.

Twenty five years of grooming made her choose this world over "us". Twenty Five years of grooming made "us" lose to "them".

And so just as she had come into my life, one fine day, she went away -back to where she had come from. She left me behind with tears in my eyes, hollow in my heart and questions in my mind. I am confused - and i am not happy because i miss her, I miss her like i miss a part of myself. And again and again I keep asking -

Is it worth it? Loving someone so deeply and throwing it all away to keep everybody else happy - except yourself

Is it worth it? To find true love and not making an effort to achieve it

Is it worth it? To sacrifice urself for a society which will not remember ur name the moment u turn around

Is it worth it? To live your life under a mask, pretending to be someone you are not

Is it worth it? To become strong enough to negate the truth staring into your eyes

Is it worth it? To continuosly hurt someone and then say you love him

Is it worth it? To spend your life trying to learn how to live with foreigners when someone your own is just an arms length away

Is it worth it? To have permanence and stabilty but have no one to share part of yourself with ..ure choicest secrets ..ure "closest to heart" dreams ...ure fears

Is it worth it? To know where true happiness is and not strive to achieve it

Is it worth it? To sacrifice life-long happiness for short-term struggle

Is it worth it? To give false happiness to people whom you are "attached" to and real pain to people whom you "love"

Is it worth it? To dream and then let the dreams evaporate in the heat

It is just once that we live..cant we just do what we want. Why cant we have courage to face the truth - to accept it and acknowledge it. Do we always have to stick to the rules of a society that just does not bother. Cant we live and discover life as a whole person instead of just a sister or a daughter or a wife? Why do we have to stick to relationships that are based on fear and emotional blackmail instead of respect and love? Cant we question the existing pattern of life and strive for something better.

Is it worth it - I still wonder...