I Lost Him Forever

I Lost Him Forever

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Posted by astha on July 22, 2003 (Tuesday)

As i read all the mails we ever exchanged.

And I lost him. Even losing can be so simple sometimes. This virtual world still puzzles me. How can i feel so much for something which just existed here. How real was it? Or was it the most real.. I tried explaining this to him..... this is as real as it can get... I was wrong.

Why did i let him go? A regret which would stay with me always.

I ought to be happy. Finally i achieved everything i wanted to qualify my happiness. All that i ever wanted, all that i ever seeked is now possessed, and yet there is this lacuna.

Its like the feeling when you try to search for the slipped soap with your face covered with lather. Everytime you feel you have strengthened your grip, it slips again.I felt like that back then.

Now, the intensity of the feeling has gone down. May be I have compromised with my emotions. Or may be I have got used to feeling the way I do everytime i think about our past.

Sometimes i think. Was I in love? The regret I feel today is more because of the fact that I lost a person with whom I could have shared a very meaningful existence. And then I think if i ever wanted him, it could have only been in the capacity of a life partner and not a friend. That was the only way I wanted him in my life. And again a lose string of thoughts start disturbing me. What went wrong back then?

I have this little tear drop in my eye which wants to fall on the keyboard. I know if it falls I would get weak, this writing would never materialize, I would break. And I can't afford to get break over something which time is trying to heal. Time is not a good healer. It can only cover up, not destroy. I want to destoy the roots of these feelings, forever. But i am losing.

Its this thread which holds me bonded to him. I think I am linked to him, there is this transparent string between us, which would always keep me attached. I would still fall in love, I would still be someone's wife, and yet this thread would never break. Its like this only . I would always be in love with him.

Sometimes when i justify my loss, i think this way it is so much better. What if we actually had been together. May be we would have married, had kids, and the routine of our lives would have made us forget this what is special. And then i console myself, i would never want to distort my image of perfect, and so may be it had to be like this. But what the hell. This pains, and i experience this pain everytime i try relating to someone the way i did with him, or i try finding his traits in others or i try to create what was between us with others.and it pains more when i realize it is just not possible. That was unique and i have to separate it now.

And now this has to end. At least end from where it all started.. here!