Autumn Again

Autumn Again

Posted by Nilanjana Biswas on Tuesday August 14, @06:58AM

It is related but it is not a sequel to Autumnal Fever.

The beaten old track is so painfully familiar and yet seems like lost terrain. It has not been a sudden surprising post-shower walk like the last time. It is calculated meditative and perhaps profound. All-encompassing sadness has its own beauty and each nuance of nature reflects that. You see only what you want to see. You filter those visions and link them to your emotions, the decayed leaves, the sentinel trees, the withered flowers, brown earth, the silence of the stillness “ the irrepressible smiles and chuckles are lost in alien time, sucked in some black hole ” dissipated, drowned — dead!

It has been a year or more. Time has ceased to exist for me. May be it has been a lifetime ago or just a second. This dimension has lost its significance. Time does not heal, it subdues and then everything wells from within and then there is a deluge, inundating your senses, your emotions, your life and you remain raw and vulnerable as ever. The chuckles and smiles are caught in a sudden dust vortex disrupting their complacency. After they unfurl, they are lost, deposited on unknown territory.

There is a slight nip in the air but I have been cold for so long, I don’t feel it. It feels good to defy, come what may, how much more can you make me endure. I shove my hands in the pockets of my worn jeans (the same pair that I had worn that fateful day) and lift my face to stare at the sentinels above. My entire stance challenges the chuckles poised precariously on the sentinels. I dare you, shower me with one more smile or chuckle and I will crumple you in my fist and grind you to dust. Last time I set you free and now you have become my nemesis.

My nemesis is perhaps lying at my feet, one of the crumpled withered leathery leaves. The sentinels are frozen, they do not accept my challenge. It is an empty feeling of triumph. It is a lonely feeling that worms into your being and gouges your innards. I want to hug myself, feel some warmth and let the soul wracking tears and sobs release some of the throttled pain. One single teardrop has been adorning the corners of my eyes ever since. It has never dried; a constant reminder. It is such an effort to cry.

A sudden tinkling laugh shatters and intrudes my life. I turn my head to look behind. It is incredulous, my shadow taunts me. It’s him, it’s me. I watch my life, history repeating itself, totally aghast. My life being enacted again and I watch helplessly. Two lovers caught in an illusion, commitment, false promises, believing the virtual to be real, playing with the smiles and chuckles, deceived to believe in forever again. It is a ruthless cycle.

A small boy runs from behind and latches on to his legs almost making him trip. He let’s a loud whoop and swings him into his arms. She smiles indulgently and ruffles their hair. He puts his arm around her waist and carry on. The sentinels bless them with a deluge of smiles and chuckles. Picture postcard perfect!

I want to run to nowhere, feel the wind in my face, lose my being, give into everything negative. Why me! That’s one answer that I can never get. “The ditch is choc-a-bloc” with people like me but I am selfish. I am hurting and I don’t need these flashbacks. I start running, I feel the icy cold heart within me, burning eyes, lump in my throat, tears stream down my face, catharsis, relief, more pain, flashing emotions, dead pain, numbness. I keep running.