Poison Or Pills?

Poison Or Pills?

I am barely 17. This is criminal. I cant get married. Why is everyone so convinced? Cant they see I have so much more to do, so much more to live? Why are they all my enemies, pushing me into this, forcing me despite my contradictory attempts?

My voice was highly distorted and my breath came out in wheezes. I held the phone weakly in my left hand. My right hand busy was making selections from the table.

“What the hell are you talking about?”, asked Deepti in agitation.

I wiped my running nose with a handkerchief while hot tears still ran down my cheeks. My face was damp with sweat. My eyes were burning.

“You know, what kills faster - Poison or pills?”, I repeated. My whole body was cold. And wet. God, I was shaking so bad.

“Just shut up! Don’t even think about it!”, she screamed. I could sense her concern. Her fear.“Just tell me. I need to know. Right NOW”, I screamed back. Tears dripped down my chin. I read the label of the little white container in my mind “ ”Sleeping Pills“.

”You know its not the end of the world. You’re getting married. Everyone does. So what!’ I could hear the wedding music in the distance.I threw the phone across the room. It hit the wall and fell. Hard. The receiver broke into two pieces. I got back to work. Rat Poison, Sleeping Pills, DDT“ I wished I had the faintest clue of what had the most speedy effect.

I was so sick of hearing it ” so what, so what, so WHAT! For everyone else, my marriage was so what. For me, it was my passport to hell, with no hope of returning. Not him. Not Jeet. Not anyone. No. NO!

I am barely 17. This is criminal. This is unfair. This is yet — unstoppable. Why is everyone so convinced? Cant they see I have so much more to do, so much more to live? Why are they all my enemies, pushing me into this, forcing me despite my contradictory attempts?

I will not let them convince me into this. I have come so far, but no, not a step more. I will end it all here. Right now.

My body is held tight together, I am supposedly taking my last few breaths. Oh, when will death envelope me? When will they find the suicide letter? When will they realize they were wrong all along?

I can almost picture it. Mom weeping profusely, uncontrollably, blaming the world for the death of her only daughter. Screaming at her husband, who had been so adamant on his decision. “Main ki kita? Tussi ki kita? Assi ki kita!” (What have I done? What have you done? What have we done?), she would ask again and again, so many questions will remain unanswered.

How short life is. A month ago, I wouldn’t have even thought I would be doing this. My dreams of becoming a writer, my vision of a marriage-less life, a free bird, all were being drowned by Jeet.Oh, why did he have to drop into my life. Why did he have to be from a decent family and have a clean history? Why the hell did he have to be the perfect son-in-law and supposedly perfect husband?Isnt there a bloody law in this country that can stop this sin from happening? Cant an ex-girlfriend drop into his life with his child? Shit, he’s 23, he must’ve messed up somewhere!But how does it matter now, my life is at its precipice. I have lived my days. This world will be sorry to loose me. And I will laugh my last laugh from up above.

“Tring Tring, Tring Tring, Tring Tring”Screw you! The goddamn phone still rings after being so brutally divided into half! I don’t want to talk to Deepti. What does she know about being married at 17? What does she know about dying? All she knows is to punch keys on the phone and let it ring on the other side! Screw her too!My tears have dried up. I am too frustrated and angry to rain out a new stock. The phone is still ringing. I am afraid I might turn insane with the monotonous tone.

“HELLO?”, I scream into the speaker phone. “Hi, its me!” Jeet. What wont I do to stuff his mouth with rat poison! “I don’t have time Jeet, I have to do other things” “Hey, its okay! No biggie. I just wanted to know how you’re doing.” “Fine.” “That’s great. Umm” you wanna go for a drive this evening? You know, just around the town and stuff?“ ”Maybe“ ”Should I pick you up at.. ermm.. eight?“ ”I don’t know Jeet, I don’t have time for this right now, alright?“ ”Hey, relax. What is the matter with you? We’re not even married, and you’re making me feel like we are already!“ Hardy Har Har. Mr.Clown thinks he’s so funny! ”Jeet, I don’t want this marriage. I don’t want it now. I don’t want it ever. I am not ready for this. I have barely even passed school. I don’t know how to friggin cook or take care of the house. And I take no shit from no one. I don’t want to tie the knot. Period!“ ”Okay, cool. Whatever makes you happy!“ ”Yea, you think its so easy, wiseguy! You say cool, and we’re through eh? Go tell your beeji its cool, go tell my whole family its cool. And when they say, Yea man it sure is cool, get back to me, alright!“ ”I didn’t tell anyone to get me married to you, you know. It just happened. You and I both know we cant help this, so lets make the best of this girl! I know you aint so bad. If I really try, we can get along fine.“ ”I don’t want you to try. You’re 23, why don’t you run away from home and marry a firangan, isn’t that so much simpler?“ ”You can do that too, you know“

He has a point. But I am about to finish my life here. Why am I even considering?

”Jeet, I don’t want to have this conversation with you. I don’t even know you! All I know is that you’re some good looking dude who has a pinhead!“

”Whoa maam! I haven’t asked you to judge me. You know, lots of girls will do anything to tie the knot with me“ ”So just marry all of them! Gimme a break!“ ”Maybe I will. After divorcing you perhaps. But for now, we have to get married. Like it or not“ ”Good-bye Jeet.“ ”Ta!“

So maybe I can run away and marry someone else. But hell, I don’t want to marry at the first place. Whats the deal with everyone anyway! ”Tring Tring. Tring“ ”What?“ ”Jeet again.“ ”So?“ ”Poison or Pills?“ ”What?“ ”You know, what kills faster? Poison or pills?“ ”Why do you wanna know?“ ”I didn’t ask you to interrogate. I am just asking you to help me decide“ ”Its not necessary Jeet, you don’t have to kill yourself“ ”Well, nor do you.“ ”Wha“ what do you mean?” “I know you’re planning to do it, I don’t want you to kill yourself” “You’re out of your mind” “I am not, you know that too. Deepti called me” Damn Deepti! What the hell is wrong with her! “Its none of your business Jeet. Just leave me alone, alright” “But I don’t want you to do this!” “Why? You developed a soft corner for me or something?” “Maybe I did. Who knows? If you go ahead with this, I will kill myself too. I don’t see the point of two people dying without a purpose” “I have a purpose Jeet, I don’t want to get married” “Hey! Listen to me, alright. I don’t want to get married too. But its you. I like you. Almost love you. Heck, I am crazy about you! I know we can be happy together. We need to give this a shot, okay? We just cant kill each other!“ ”Jeet, don’t do this to me. I cant be married to anyone. That’s not what I want.“ ”Stop being such a brat. It doesn’t matter what you want. Consider what you’ve got. And you’ve got poison and pills. That’s all. You don’t have love or respect or happiness. The last decision of your life is how to end it. Its so deplorable“ ”I don’t have anything to say’“ ”You don’t have to. Just pick up all those bottles and throw them down the drain. I am not asking for much. Lets just give each other a chance, alright? And if things don’t work out, you can do anything you want then. I will not be an obstacle in your life“ ”Well, what’ll I choose then? Poison or Pills?“ I smile at my lame joke. I can feel him smiling too. ”I’ll be waiting to find that out too.“ ”Thanks Jeet. Maybe your head is bigger than a pin after all“ ”Yea maybe. So pick you up at eight?“ ”I’ll be waiting“ ”See You!“ ”Jeet?“ ”Yea?“ ”I“ you know.” “I don’t know..!” “Well, I lo” I loathe you!“ ”And I love you“ ”I love you too“ ”Ta“ ”Bye“ I hang up just in time to hear massive bangs on the door. ”Kamra khol!“ (Open the room!) I wipe my face swiftly and throw the bottles in the bin. I unlock the door. My mom rushes in first. Her face dotted with sweat and tears, precisely like mine few minutes ago. ”Tu theek te hain? Kuch litta te nahi..? O Deepti keh rahi si’“ (Are you surely alright? You haven’t taken anything, right? Deepti was saying”) Family members gather around me fussing like I’m a baby. “Saanu pata si tu khush nahi hai. Saada te sab kuch lut janda. Nahi, asi tera vya Jeet nal nahi karna. Tu jo kahegi asi oho karange” (We knew you’re not happy. We would’ve lost everything. No, we shall not marry you with Jeet. We will do exactly as you say) I smile. Then laugh. Everyone looks at me like I am in desperate need of psychic treatment. “O aj 1st June hagi na, te main Deepti nu bevakoof bana rahi si. O vi, pagal hagi hai, Tuhanu sab nu dara dita. Main khush haa. Main vya Jeet nal hi karangi” (Since today’s 1st June, I was making a fool out of Deepti. She’s crazy, scared all of you off. I am very happy. I will only marry Jeet) Everyone smiles. They take a sigh of relief. “Par bevakoof te pehle april nu banande ne!” (But we make fools on April 1st!), exclaims my mother. “Aj kal di generation, kaun jaane?” (Generation today, who knows!), replies my father as he shakes his head. Everyone exits my room, leaving me smiling and the unused bottles of poison and pills lying in the bin. Moments later, the wedding music fills the air again.