Pen-sive Prose

Pen-sive Prose

Posted by Nilanjana Biswas on Tuesday March 13, @11:02PM

See and observe ...

There is something infinitely pleasurable about chewing a pen-end or a pencil-end. Chewing plastic or wood has the same euphoric sensation as that of a dog gnawing on a bone. You become “oh! so possessive” about your contemplative companion that your primitive instincts are exposed. That is to say that if your companion’s existence is threatened, you will not refrain from emitting a few warning growls or more deadly “frothy” snarls.

It all boils down to guarding your possession fiercely. It is instrumental for tantric concentration. You have this category of homo sapiens who literally sap the juice out of these poor inanimate creatures. They fall victims to the atavistic, cannibalistic tendencies of this breed. In fact, this category devours anything and everything in sight. They have graduated from nails to the skin around their fingertips, school ties to designer shirt collars, chocolate foil wrappers to plastic tags, toothpicks to credit cards, mom’s sari pallu to wife’s dupatta or girlfriend’s — ahem! The pencil end resembles a flowered toothbrush and these die-hard creatures won’t even stop if they have splinters embedded in their gums and put Dracula to shame with their bleeding incisors.

There is another interesting variety and “revoltingly repulsive” is the word that vaguely describes them. They are the “droolers”. These souls have long forgotten about the foreign object stuck in their orifice. It defies gravity and reason as it dangles dangerously at the tip of the lip. A steady stream of slithery slimy saliva makes it way down to the tip, forms a pendulous bulbous drop and plops on to the nearest surface “ the keyboard, a pile of important documents, coffee, tea, puppy on the lap, Versace T-shirt ” Reality dawns as the drool quantity decreases. They people are real experts, they inhale deeply and siphon the drool back to its place of origin quite oblivious to the drool pools on the various surfaces and subjects.

Then there are the hypersensitive nervous wrecks who just keep on nibbling or attempt a few gentle bites or nips. This category is caught in a dilemma. The dilemma being that they love the taste of paint or lacquer on the pen or pencil but quite averse to the taste of raw wood or plastic beneath. They envy the cannibals and yet cannot go far enough to be in the major league. If you have a boisterous dog or an over exuberant puppy at home, you will know what I mean. Dogs love to play by nibbling at your ankles and arms if given the chance and in due course you may sport a few scratches and bite marks. Now, if you observe the items in question of these people, you will find “gentle” teeth marks all over but nothing serious. If you ask them something, they will probably look at you for five seconds, chew on for twenty more and then give a garbled inarticulate reply after thirty more.

My favourite kind is the “suckers”. They treat their “educative” instrument as a lollipop or a pop-sickle. They are the vacuum cleaners of the society. You can hear a lot of slurping noises as if they are having the best Haagen Dazs milkshake in the world. I personally envy this category.

Then there is the John Wayne/Clint Eastwood category who think that it is mammothly macho to have this pen/pencil dangling from the corner of their lips and roll it from corner to corner at times managing to keep the smirk intact at the same time. They are the sort who saunters in their boss’s room with a pronounced swagger and an expression of “What’s up dude?” If the boss is a “drooler”, he couldn’t care less. If the boss is a “nibbler”, his gentle attacks on his pen/pencil will increase. If he is a “sucker”, noises are bound to make John Wayne disgusted and if he is the “cannibal”, Johnny better run for cover as the boss is apt to snatch the offending pen or pencil from Johnny’s mouth and devour it himself.

To all you people who want a raise or a promotion, just observe how your boss behaves with his plume of joy and you do the same. Better still, when your boss goes a tad overboard with your “performance”, just stick a pen or pencil in his mouth. This works wonders as it has the same effect as that of a pacifier on a bawling baby.

If my boss happens to read this, I will be chewing pens and pencils for the rest of my life and trying in vain to drive the point home that the pen is mightier than the sword — Touchwood!